


Self-Harm AU

by Inkognito97



Series: Tumblr Prompts [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Memories, Obi-Wan Needs a Hug, Padawan Obi-Wan, Poor Obi-Wan, Self-Harm, self-harm in the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-01-31 17:31:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12686916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkognito97/pseuds/Inkognito97
Summary: Something in Ahsoka’s chest tightened. This was not the Jedi Master she had gotten to know, this was not the Negotiator who could settle the worst diplomatic outbursts, this was not the General who had fought in thousand of battles. No, this was the man behind the Jedi, the human being that could easily be hurt. This was the Padawan behind the Master.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Star Wars or any of its characters, nor do I try to make any kind of profit out of them. They belong to Disney.
> 
> Every mistake is my own.
> 
> Also, WARNING! Self-harm is for a lot of people a serious and sensitive topic. So, I advice you not to read, if you have any kind of problems concerning this topic.

For all the adoration she held for her Grandmaster, Ahsoka still thought he was highly reckless. Of course it explained her own Master’s reckless behavior and his thoughtless tactics, but Obi-Wan brought it all to a complete new level. He had literally thrown himself between Anakin and a blaster shot and even though it had just hit his shoulder - thank the Force for small mercies - it had been a terrifying experience that she NEVER wanted to repeat in her life, ever.

 

“You have to hold still Master,” the female Togruta gently chided the ginger haired man, who did look a little uncomfortable. It was his bad luck that Kix was currently dealing with a serious case and Anakin was scouting the area, therefore leaving the patching to Ahsoka.

“I can do it myself,” he insisted.

Ahsoka had no doubt about that, she only doubted that he would actually do it. As far as she knew her stubborn Grandmaster, he would put a bacta patch on it and be done with it. That there was a high risk for the wound to get infected, did not seem to bother him in the slightest. Ahsoka would have none of it.

“With all due respect Master, but I will do it, whether you want it or not. So you might as well stop being stubborn and help me. The sooner I can go to work, the sooner you can get out of here.”

Very reluctantly, did the Master allow her to open his tunics. He was clearly uncomfortable, that much was clear. Ahsoka wondered if it was the nudity aspect and that she was a female, but she quickly put that thought aside. Somehow it did not seem like the Council member would care, since only his torso was bare.

The female Togruta chose not to say anything else and set to work. With a wet cloth, she washed the wound and gauged the damage. To her utmost relief, it was not as bad as she had previously thought.

“The good news is, you will live,” joked the Padawan and it actually earned her an amused huff from the older Jedi. It did nothing against his tense posture however and Ahsoka wondered, what she could do to reassure the man.

“I am glad you think so,” he replied.

Ahsoka briefly looked at the other’s face, when she started to stitch the wound up. Usually she would only have applied a bacta patch, but she wanted to make sure that it would not open again, especially since it was Obi-Wan’s lightsaber arm and he would undoubtedly use it again soon. There was just no way that he would back down from the mission. There was no visible reaction on his bearded features. In fact, he seemed to be deep in thought for his gaze was resting on his lap, but he was not really looking. 

 

“There, all done,” she patted the other’s shoulder after she had finished her task. When she got no reply, Ahsoka grew worried. “Master?” she tried again, worry in her voice and she grabbed his fist.

Obi-Wan flinched, but did not pull away from her touch. His blue-green eyes had turned grey and he looked upon the young Togruta with wide eyes, as is he could not remember where he was. 

“Are you alright?” she was genuinely concerned now. 

“Yes…” his voice was just a little deeper than usual. “Yes, I am fine.” Needless to say, Ahsoka did not believe him one bit. 

But before the Padawan could come up with a reply or with something to make the man open up, her eyes caught something else. The Jedi Master had opened his fist and their fingers had intertwined. Undoubtedly the intention had been to reassure Ahsoka of his words, but he had turned his arm while taking her hand and now she could see a few white lines on the underside of his wrist.

Ahsoka’s eyes narrowed. The white lines looked suspiciously like scars, but why would he have them there?

“Master, what is that?” Obi-Wan pulled back as if he had been burnt. Without saying a word, he stood abruptly and quickly pulled his tunics back into place. 

“Don’t worry about it Padawan… they are quite old.” His voice was strange, when he said that.

“Have you… Did you…” she couldn’t bring the words out of her mouth, though the meaning was clear. 

So many emotions were visible in the man’s eyes, mainly regret and shame. There was so much shame in his eyes, it physically hurt to look at him. Something in Ahsoka’s chest tightened. This was not the Jedi Master she had gotten to know, this was not the Negotiator who could settle the worst diplomatic outbursts, this was not the General who had fought in thousand of battles. No, this was the man behind the Jedi, the human being that could easily be hurt. This was the Padawan behind the Master.

“Yes,” he whispered and it was barely audible. The Togruta could only stare at the older male, who returned her gaze with a haunted look. Then, his expression changed. It closed off. Ahsoka knew that tactic, he would always do that, if there was something he wanted to avoid. 

Without another word, the Council member turned around and slowly walked out of the tent they had been in. His steps were not rushed, he was not fleeing, he was just avoiding the topic.

With a heavy heart, Ahsoka sagged to the hard grounds, her legs giving out from under her. The picture of the great and unmatched Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sith-Killer, Negotiator, General and Jedi, had just been shattered. In an odd way, it was reassuring that somebody like him had been just a human with normal feelings too, but the reassurance quickly vanished, when the depths of the scar’s meaning came to the front of the Padawan’s mind. Those were no simple scars, those white lines were faded symbols of something deep.

Ahsoka wondered if the ginger haired man had ever talked about this to anyone, if somebody had noticed before her. Had he gone to a soul healer, had he allowed somebody to reach out and help him? The Obi-Wan she had gotten to know, would not have. But he had been a Padawan once too, those marks were the clear proof of it. And the worst part was, that he had done that to himself. Ahsoka had always known that her Grandmaster was his worst enemy, but to such an extent. She shook her head, knowing that she desperately needed to meditate in order to calm her raging mind. She had to find her center again and then she could think about her next steps. Should she tell her Master? Anakin surely wanted to know, but the young Togruta was afraid that he would overreact and make things even worse. Perhaps Obi-Wan had already dealt with his past and perhaps he simply wanted nobody to know. She could understand that, she would most likely do the same.

“Meditation,” she sternly reminded herself and settled into a more comfortable pose. A silent plead was sent to the Force before she succumbed to it. She silently prayed for her Grandmaster and hoped that he had found peace. If he hadn’t, then she would be there. She would keep an eye on him now. This was serious. With a determined nod, the Padawan banished all thoughts and emotions from her mind. Instead she welcomed the warm tendril of the Force. It was time to get some clear thoughts and answers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: So the ahsoka finding out about Obi-Wan self harming... does she panic and tell someone once she thinks about it? More please!!

Ahsoka watched silently, how the ginger haired Jedi Master left their camp to go only the Force knows where. It meant that he was once again, skipping meal. He had done so a lot of times already and the young Togruta was beginning to worry about the older male. It did not help that her Master seemed complete oblivious to Obi-Wan’s strange behavior. Granted, the ginger haired man had always been a loner, rather spending free time alone, either meditating or researching, but this was getting ridiculous.

It was almost as if the older male was avoiding everyone else and sometimes it looked like he was not  _walking_ away, but  _fleeing_  from them. Is she was honest, then Ahsoka was not only beginning to worry, but fear for him. Ever since she had discovered his scars, the marks of his humanity, he had changed in his behavior. Or perhaps he hadn’t changed at all, but she had just paid more attention.

“Ahsoka, is everything alright?” the sound of her Master’s voice brought her back to the brief meal they were having.

“Yes Master, just thinking.”

Anakin did not look completely convinced, but he let the subject drop nevertheless. Ahsoka was thankful for that. She knew that she could go with everything to Anakin and he knew that she would when she was ready for that. The Padawan’s gaze traveled to where the Council member had vanished from the camp. Did Obi-Wan have someone like this?

* * *

Ahsoka was fidgeting where she sat near the campfire. It had been longer than usual that her Grandmaster had vanished. She was beginning to get worried. The Force remained completely silent on the matter and she did not know what to do. On one side, she desperately wanted to go after him, on the other side, she might just be overreacting. Granted, it WAS getting dark and he had never left for so long before, but he was still a Jedi Master and a Council member. Surely Obi-Wan Kenobi could take care of himself. Still, she felt uneasy and it did not seem as if the feeling would go away anytime soon. In fact, it had grown ever since she had watched how the older Jedi had left the relative safety of their camp. 

“Ahsoka,” this voice could only belong to one person in the whole galaxy. The young Togruta closed her eyes and stifled a sigh, she knew that she had been worrying her Master today.

Anakin sat down across from her, with one leg outstretched and the other bent so that he could rest his arm on it. 

“Master,” she acknowledged the older man.

“You have been troubled the whole day,” he said nothing more, not pushing too much and leaving the decision to talk to her.

“Yes Master,” she hesitated for a moment, but eventually, her anxieties won over. “It is about Master Kenobi.”

At once the young Skywalker was alert and tense. The two Jedi shared a deep bond, so it was not surprising that the blond Knight worried about the Master’s well being. “What about him?”

“I…” she sighed and slowly, but steadily, retold what she had seen and discovered only a couple of days ago. During it all, Anakin Skywalker was completely calm, not uttering a single word. Ahsoka knew that this was a bad sign. She was about to ask, if everything was alright, when the male Jedi suddenly jumped up and vanished into the direction Obi-Wan had taken.

“Master?”

He spun around. “I want you to wait here Ahsoka,” there was a certain edge to his voice that made Ahsoka actually obey without a second thought. Usually, she would have stubbornly asked to join him, she was concerned too after all, but the way he had said it, made her stop. Anakin Skywalker was not one to plead for something, the more surprising it was to actually hear him do so.

The blonde nodded in approval and then turned his back to the female Togruta, who was left to wonder if she had just committed a huge mistake and therefore made things worse or if confiding in her Master had been the right thing to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts:   
> In self-harming Obi-Wan - what happened next? What Ahakin will do?   
> In the pats-self harm Obi-wan, what does Anakin find? Do they talk?

Anakin was torn between feeling furious at never being told, being scared because depression was a sickness that never left completely, or a strange kind of calmness at the prospect that the perfect Jedi he had gotten to know, was only a normal human too. Since neither his heart nor his mind could decide what was best, he settled for all three. He knew that - as a Jedi - he was technically supposed to shove those feelings aside and release them into the Force, but Anakin was never one to follow such rules. After all, what kind of Jedi were they, when they lost all emotions, all their compassion? Certainly not good ones.

The young Knight took a deep breath, when his eyes spotted the familiar form of his former Master. Obi-Wan was talking to Cody and pointing with his finger at a holographic map, clearly coming up with one of his brilliant strategies.

“Ah Anakin,” greeted the Council member, after spotting him. He did not seem to notice the war of emotions that was going on inside the blonde’s body, or he was simply ignoring it and storing it away for the moment. “Tt is good you are here, I would like to hear your opinion about-”

Anakin would never know what his opinion was asked for, because he roughly grabbed the older Jedi’s arm and literally yanked him away from the table.

“Anakin!” the accented voice sounded everything but amused.

“We need to talk, NOW,” he growled and surprised blue-green eyes grew a little larger at the unusual behavior. Thankfully, Obi-Wan said nothing else, just allowed his former Padawan, to brutally drag him with him. It must have been a comical side, but the ginger haired man was more concerned than amused.

“Anakin, what is wrong?” he asked, after the two of them had covered quite some distance.

Abruptly, the younger male stopped dead in his tracks, Obi-Wan almost crashed into his back and certainly would have, if his Jedi reflexes had not told him to side step at just the right moment. Next, Anakin spun around, a wild look on his features. “Why did you never tell me?” he almost yelled.

Obi-Wan’s brows furrowed and his calmness only angered Anakin more. “Tell you what? I fear you have to be more specific.”

“About this,” with that the blonde reached out and roughly grabbed the Council member’s hand, almost ripping the fabric where he pushed it aside. Obi-Wan was not wearing his usual black gloves, one hindrance less for the man with scar on his face.

Obi-Wan said nothing, just stared at the white marks on his wrist with a distant, yet also haunted look in his eyes. It was almost as if he was in some kind of trance. Anakin shook his arm to get him back.

When the ginger haired male finally looked up into the taller male’s face, he was almost as pale as a corpse. It was as if all his blood had drained from his face and hands. 

“Anakin…” his tone was shaky and almost pleading. It was clear he did not want to talk about it. 

“No,” he interrupted the older Jedi again and grabbed the free wrist as Obi-Wan wanted to pull away. He brought the struggling Jedi closer, despite the protest. “Tell me,” he ordered.

All fight seemed to leave the Jedi Master and he looked utterly miserable. This was not the man Anakin had gotten to know as his Master, this was not the Jedi epitome everyone looked up to, this was not the General and Negotiator the whole galaxy knew, this was a man at his lowest. Would he not be seeing it, Anakin would not have believed it possible.

“Anakin please, it was a long time ago. Even if I were to tell you, what kind of difference would it make? What’s done is done. I have realized that I made a great mistake and every time I see them, I wish I could change that. I see that it was stupid.” He did not make eye contact, yet his Force aura was shining with truth.

The blond Knight softened his grip. “Just… just tell me… when…”

“When I was a Padawan,” mumbled Obi-Wan. Anakin nodded, not that the other man could see it and finally released his grip on the wrists. 

Blue-grey eyes gazed up, calculating and searching for something. When it became clear that Anakin was satisfied - at least for the moment - Obi-Wan turned tail and walked away without another word, but with a tense posture. Not that the blonde could blame him.

Anakin let out a breath he did not know he had been holding. In his Padawan days… that meant that Qui-Gon had been involved somehow. Had the tall Jedi known about this, surely he hadn’t. Otherwise he would have stopped Obi-Wan, right? Something heavy settled in Anakin’s stomach. The Force was clear on the matter. Somehow, Qui-Gon Jinn had been involved and the blond Jedi Knight was determined to figure out the man’s role in this. He had a feeling that it was connected to the way his former Master was feeling about the whole situation. And he had a feeling that it was about time that the ginger haired male talked about it. But for now, they had a battle to win… such personal and emotional questions would have to wait for later…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts:  
> can you please write more self-harming obi-wan?  
> AND  
> Continuation of the Obi-Wan self harm one? What does Anakin do? What does Obi-Wan do?

To Anakin’s utter surprise, Obi-Wan had not returned back to his Commander to work through battle strategies. In fact, nobody had seen the man after they had talked to each other. It greatly worried the blond Jedi and hadn’t it been for his Padawan, he would have gone to search for his former Master. But Ahsoka had told him that Obi-Wan surely needed some time alone now, to sort through things and to get his bearing together. 

Anakin could respect that and would give him time until dinner to sort through his mind. If the Jedi Master had not returned by then, THEN would Anakin go and look for him. And the young Jedi Knight was pretty certain that most of the clones would gladly help in the search, especially Cody. The clone Commander and his General had developed a deep bond during the time they had fought side by side. It rivaled even the bond Plo Koon had with his clone army and that meant something, Anakin knew that from firsthand experience.

“I am sure he is fine,” Ahsoka reassured yet again. 

“I certainly hope so, Snips,” he mumbled, without looking at the female Togruta. Anakin shook his head and returned back to his task. He knew that his former Master counted on him to do what was necessary and it WAS necessary to organize the troops now. With a heavy heart, the blonde’s attention was directed elsewhere.

* * *

Obi-Wan felt like crying. It was an unwanted feeling, pretty much every negative feeling was unwanted. They reminded him too much of what was… what happened all those years ago.

The ginger haired General seated himself on a large rock. He buried his face in his hands and took a few deep breaths first. It would do nobody any good, if he had a breakdown in the middle of a war zone and far away from the temple. It was an unfortunate timing that now of all times, his biggest and most shameful secret had come to light. But Obi-Wan wouldn’t blame Ahsoka for any of it. The young Padawan had been merely curious and if he was honest with himself, then it HAD felt good to talk about it with someone. Even though neither her NOR Anakin had ever been supposed to know.

With a last shaky breath, Obi-Wan straightened up again and took his hands away from his face. Instead his ever changing blue-green eyes were fixed on the sleeve of his tunics that covered his wrist. With his right hand, he pulled away the sleeve, revealing a couple of old scars. They were barely palpable against his pale skin. Though Obi-Wan knew there had been a time when they had been an angry red and very much palpable on his skin.

Obi-Wan clenched his right hand into a tight fist. Those times were far behind him, but they still defined him. It was a good thing, but also a bad one. And the worst part of it was, that Obi-Wan remembered every second of it, as if it had happened just yesterday.

He remembered slowly cutting open the wound and watching the blood flowing freely down his arm and onto his trousers, forming an ugly spot on the cloth. It had been one of the worse days and he had needed the release, he had needed to ease the pressure, even if it had been for only a couple of minutes. Obi-Wan was realistic, had always been, the cutting helped, but never for long. Usually, by the time the effect had started to lessen, he had collected himself again, but it had not been the case on this particular day.

Obi-Wan remembered that tears had begun to blur his sight. Yet, he continued, still able to see the red life liquid freely flowing. He had not stopped, until he had cut particularly deep. It had been an accident, but the extra pain had helped lessening the pain in his heart and mind, it had cleared the heavy fog around his mind. But that wasn’t all. Obi-Wan had known that he had made a huge mistake as soon it had happened. He had not only hit a vital vein, but also lightly damaged a nerve, which had caused the blade to drop to the floor, from strangely tingling fingers. Today, the damage was healed and he could move and feel normal, but back then it had frightened him. Only for a couple of seconds though. Then, the numbness had traveled through the rest of his body and consumed him. He had stopped caring at this point. Obi-Wan, PADAWAN Obi-Wan, had accepted his fate and he had rested his injured arm between his legs so that the blood stained the carpet. He had not cared.

If it hadn’t been for a very worried Qui-Gon Jinn, who had come to check on his late Padawan - Obi-Wan had never been late for a sparring session between them before - he would have died that day. The Council member would never forget the shock and fear that had entered the midnight blue eyes of his Master. He would never forget the deep voice, full of panic, but still trying to sooth him, while he pressed his large yet surprisingly gentle hands, firmly against the wound. With his free hand, Qui-Gon had contacted the healers.

The healers had arrived swiftly and they had taken him away, but not before the ginger haired Padawan had taken a look at his still kneeling Master, who looked at his bloody and shaking hands with shock and in disbelief. Needless to say, Qui-Gon had been at his bed in the halls of the healing, but it was then, when things began to get fuzzy. Obi-Wan blamed the medications they had given him.

 

A pair of blue-green eyes closed and the adult Jedi Master pulled his arm against his chest, holding it tightly with his other hand. The past was the past… right?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
> Wow, I'm so excited about self-harming Obi-Wan. Can you please continue this one? What if he would try to do this to himself again? Or no?

Obi-Wan was glad to be back at the temple again, back home in his own quarters. Anakin had his own rooms, he was sharing them with his Padawan, but Obi-Wan still resided in his former Master’s old quarters, a privilege of being a Council member. Despite the years that had passed since Qui-Gon died, there was still something of him that had remained behind in these familiar rooms.

There were of course his plants that Obi-Wan had kept and taken care of, there were some old photos and even some belongings that had once been owned by the tall and long haired man. Yet, Obi-Wan had also made sure to change the rooms, making them his. He was his own man after all, not a copy of his former Master.

A tired and nostalgic smile appeared on his bearded features. He carelessly hung his robe over a chair, got rid of his boots - leaving them near the entrance - and then brought his travel back into the larger bedroom. He put it on the ground, while he sat on the large bed. It was still the one Qui-Gon had used, therefore it was a little larger than the usual human standard. Obi-Wan didn’t mind, not when it reminded him of many nights he had spent here with his Master resting next to him, or curled around him. 

When he had became the man’s Padawan, they had not gotten along very well, not with Xanatos’ shadow lurking over them and Qui-Gon HAD hurt him a lot of times, there was just no denying it. But they had warmed up to each other, begun caring for each other, but Obi-Wan had not seen how MUCH the older man had actually cared about him, not before he had almost killed himself. After this incident, he had often crawled into his Master’s bed, sometimes just needing his calming presence close by and sometimes actually craving physical contact. Qui-Gon had never pushed him out, not even when Obi-Wan had been sick with the flu. As a result, Qui-Gon had also caught it, but he had not been mad at his Padawan, not at all. 

Obi-Wan let out a sigh and let himself fall back onto the bed. He gazed up at the ceiling for a few moments, lying half on his bed, with his feet still standing firmly on the soft carpet and his arms outstretched. He didn’t want to move, but he knew that his bones would protest later, if he did not. With another sigh, he rolled and moved until he was lying on his side, arms outstretched and his face halfway hidden in a pillow. His blue-green eyes came to rest on his bared wrist, were the remains of his past were forever present.

The ginger haired Jedi closed his hands into tight fists and then shut his eyes just as tightly, slipping into an old memory…

**< 00>**

_Obi-Wan was not sure what to think. He should maybe be happy to be allowed to finally leave the healer’s wing, but he wasn’t. He did not want to return to the place that was supposed to be his home, but was the setting, where he had almost died, by his own hand._

_Neither did he want to be supervised like a toddler. He had made a mistake, he knew that and he was not stupid enough to try again anytime soon, or was he? He unconsciously bit his lip. He should definitely stop thinking like this. Had it gone after the healers’ will, he would not be returning to his quarters anyway. He would be put into a cell like room, with soft walls and nothing with which he could hurt (or entertain) himself. Obi-Wan had once seen such a cell up close, during a failed negotiation mission with his Master. Speaking of which, the man had not yet said a single word to him, not since he had spoken to the healers. The Padawan guessed that he was running their words through his head, though he could not be sure, not with the bond closed. A precaution from the healers._

_Suddenly Qui-Gon stopped walking and only his instincts saved Obi-Wan from running into the man, who was already tipping the Code into the lock next to the door. The door slit open and they entered, discarding their boots at the entrance. Then, the older Jedi more or less stirred them towards the living room and nudged Obi-Wan to sit onto the worn out looking brown leather couch._

_The Padawan did not look up, his gaze rested solemnly on his folded hands, without really seeing them. A sigh escaped the older man and he tiredly rubbed his nose._

_“Obi-Wan… do you have any more… blades, in your possession?” his mood was not readable through his voice._

_The ginger haired teenager tilted his head and then, he shrugged._

_“I need you to be honest with me, Padawan,” there was a certain edge to his voice._

_“I don’t know,” he knew his voice sounded monotone, but he did not care. All he wanted, was to be left alone. He did not want anyone else to prod him for answers he did not want to give, he did not want Bant to stick her gills into this, he did not want Garen or Reeft to try to cheer him up and he certainly did not want to talk to Siri either. He also did not want any healer to ask stupid question. “Are you alright? How are you feeling?” He was totally fine and feeling awesome of course, why else would he have cut himself open Stupid healers and their mindless questions and not to forget the few Masters who had come to visit. Obi-Wan had ignored all of their questions._

_The only one, who had not yet tried to ask after the why, was Qui-Gon Jinn. A part of Obi-Wan, the biggest part of him actually, believed that the man simply did not care enough to ask. Another, smaller and hopeful part - even though it had grown smaller and smaller since the beginning of his apprenticeship under the infamous Master Jinn - wished that the man would understand his need for privacy._

_“Alright,” he sounded exhausted. “You will stay in my bedroom until I am sure that there is nothing in your room… I have to look through your personal things though.” He waited for any kind of reaction, an acknowledgement or perhaps the wish to do it together, but nothing came._

_“You DO realize that… what you have done… is wrong?”_

_“Why?”_

_“Excuse me?” he sounded genuinely taken aback by the one-word question. Had Obi-Wan looked up, he would have seen that the man’s gaze was puzzled._

_“Why is it wrong?” he challenged. “Who says it wasn’t the will of the Force?”_

_“Was it the will of the Force?” Qui-Gon asked worried._

_Obi-Wan shrugged._

_Under normal circumstances, Qui-Gon would have gotten frustrated with his Padawan’s behavior, but right now, he was only worried. There was something greatly wrong with the boy and he needed to find out what it was, in order to make it better, in order to make Obi-Wan feel better. The Jedi Master had still not gotten over the shock of finding his Padawan bleeding on the floor of his own bedroom, with his wrists slid open and his eyes already glassing over. He would never forget the desolate look in the boy’s eyes, nor the endless hours of waiting and hoping that the healers would win the fight for his Padawan’s life. It had been a close call, Qui-Gon was very much aware of that. He had almost failed his Padawan, he would not do so again._

_“Well…” the bearded male cleared his throat, “you are going to see the mind healers from now on, further are regular checkups within the medical bay required.”_

_For the first time since the incident, there was a real reaction from the boy. His displeasure was palpable in the air that surrounded him and Qui-Gon would have to be blind to not see it._

_Silently and in the privacy of his own mind, Obi-Wan cursed all the healers in the Jedi temple. If they truly thought he would open up to one of them, they would get a big surprise. There was no way he would speak a single word with them, no way._

_“Ok… is there perhaps anything else that you need, that you want?” Qui-Gon asked hopefully. Perhaps he could reawaken his boy’s spirits with this._

_“Yes,” Qui-Gon waited impatiently. Blue-green eyes finally looked up. “Leave me alone.”_

_The Jedi Master blinked. He should have expected that. “Very well, you may go to my bedroom, stay there until I say otherwise, or I will lock the door, understood?”_

_Obi-Wan nodded, then he stood up and walked to the privacy he so craved. He ignored the pair of icy blue eyes that followed his every move._

**< 00>**

Obi-Wan came back to reality and pushed himself onto his back, his arms still outstretched. He was staring at the ceiling again and he realized that this was the exact same position he had taken, all those years ago, when he had first entered his Master’s bedchamber. He had stared at the ceiling then too, but his mind had been empty.

Obi-Wan hummed in thought. Even in this early stage, he had had a lot of luck, even though his Padawan self had not thought so, of course he had not. His Padawan self had actually hated Qui-Gon during the first few weeks, until the man had been called to a mission and had left him behind. 

Needless to say, the healers had taken the opportunity and Obi-Wan had found himself drugged and sometimes even bound. The latter being the case, when they were short on personal. When they had enough people, he had been watched 24/7, even while taking a shower or going to the fresher, it had been highly unpleasant to say the least. Thankfully it had only been two weeks till Qui-Gon returned and literally saved him. He had never seen the man so angry before, even in his drugged state, he could still remember the long haired man’s anger at finding his Padawan kept like an animal and in a drugged state.

What followed, had probably been the worst days in Obi-Wan’s whole life. Fourteen days had seemingly been enough to actually get addicted to the medication he had gotten. Obi-Wan was no fool, he knew that the healers had wanted to make him feel absolutely nothing, no emotional at all, mostly because they had hoped to make him more compliant with the mind healers. For them, he had just been an interesting project. Too bad for them that his drugged self had been worse than his - at that point - depressed normal self.

 

A silent tear slipped from Obi-Wan’s eye into his beard. The things he had done and said to Qui-Gon during his cold withdrawal… He knew he had hurt the man. Hell, he had even said, “I hate you!” directly into his Master’s face, while the man had pinned him down onto the bed, wrestling the sharp knife out of his hands. Obi-Wan could not remember, from where he had obtained the knife, someone must have given it to him, because his old Master had made sure that such things were far out of his reach. Obi-Wan had no idea, who it could have been. But he knew for a fact that Qui-Gon had found out.

The days after, he had refused to eat or drink, to a point where it had gotten life-threatening. Even the older Jedi’s threats to take him back to the healers or to force feed him, had not made him eat.

It was only when, one quiet evening, Qui-Gon had slipped under the covers and literally wrapped himself around him and told him, how much he cared and how much he worried, that Obi-Wan had finally given in. He had also stopped hating his Master then. It had been the beginning of his healing phase, though he had never told the assigned mind healers a single word, Qui-Gon had been enough.

 

In the here and now, Obi-Wan was almost asleep, only on the edge of dreams and awareness. Something held him back and he had no idea what it was. Suddenly, a warm feeling passed through him. It was awfully familiar, though Obi-Wan could not place it and it was, as if someone had kissed his cheek. An invisible burden had been taken off from him and it was enough to push him deep into the lands of dreams and wishes.

_Had he opened his eyes however, the ginger haired Council member would have seen the smiling blue form of a long haired Jedi, who had died a long, long time ago…_

**Author's Note:**

> For more Star Wars (and other) stuff, check out my Tumblr Blog:  
> Inkognito97.tumblr.com
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment behind. :)


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